Our 'Necessary Wounding' and The Pursuit of Masculinity Beyond Self-Protection
One way to conceptualize the current state of masculinity is that we live in a world of wounded men who, in the absence of learning how to integrate their fear and pain, have adopted a self-protective posture against the world.
Self-protection is not our natural human position. We’re born open to connection, curious, expressive, hopeful, trusting. When our environment feels safe, these traits tend to express themselves. But when our environment feels untrustworthy, our threat response initiates to help us avoid pain. Our inherent openness gives way to various self-protective strategies.
Imagine a little boy who just loves dinosaurs. Picture him in your mind. Notice how he cuddles with his mom and acts silly with his friends. See how he isn’t self-conscious or withdrawn. Observe his sense of wonder and his lack of prejudice.
At some point that boy leaves the safety of his early environment (assuming it was safe, which isn’t always the case) to engage a world that will wound him. He will be let down and taken advantage of. He will be lied to and rejected. He will be verbally, and perhaps even physically, attacked. He will develop an emotional memory of pain he never wants to revisit, with enough data points to suggest he should never trust anyone or anything again.
This inevitable encounter with the dangers and disappointments of the world is part of growing up, an aspect of the “necessary wounding” Jungian analyst James Hollis says initiates us into manhood. In the ideal situation, wise guides help us process that wounding to develop a more mature perspective and a greater sense of agency. But according to Hollis, most modern men never get that guidance. They are, in large part, abandoned to navigate the disorienting experiences of adolescence on their own. He laments:
“How difficult it is today for men who have no help across that great abyss. There are no rites, very few wise elders, and minimal modeling of mature male initiates. So most of us are left to our own private dependancies, to swaggering about in embarrassing macho compensation, or, most commonly, to suffering our shame and indecision in isolation.”
The result for the modern man is that:
“His wounds are not transformative; they do not bring deepened consciousness; they do not lead him to a richer life. They senselessly, repeatedly, stun him into a numbing of the soul before the body has had the good sense to die.”
In other words, we never find our mature footing in a world that feels unreliable, indifferent, and full of threats. Instead, we find coping behaviors that help us feel safe. And if we can’t feel safe we can at least feel numb. We withdraw in relationships so we can’t be rejected. We stop hoping and believing so we can’t be made a fool again. We deny our agency to avoid the risk of failure. We shield our personalities behind ironic detachment so we can never be mocked. We give in to cynicism and nihilism so when it goes bad we aren’t disappointed. We project toughness as a signal for others to stay away. And we wear it as a costume to imagine ourselves capable and impervious to threat.
This posture is so ubiquitous it has become embedded in our imaginations for what manhood looks like: detached, suspicious, hand on the gun. And the truth is, our world doesn’t do much to convince us it’s safe to lower our weapons. We’re given endless reminders of just how untrustworthy people and systems are.
But can we find a different imagination for what it means to exist in that world? How do you want to exist in that world? Hollis says, “What the modern man most suffers from, then, is the wounding without the transformation.” What is the transformation that leads to something different?
Reflection Questions
Did you have any guides to help you navigate your wounds?
What were the disruptive moments for you in adolescence or adulthood?
What are the fears that are most present for you?
What does self-protection look like for you?
Are there negatives to your self-protective behaviors?
Can we re-integrate any of the original openness of our youth? Should we want to?
What does it look like to be realistic but not cynical?