What are we talking about when we talk about loneliness? (And what are we going to do about it?)
A great deal of attention has been given to the social lives of American men in recent years. Starting in the early 2000’s, researchers and theorists began sounding the alarm of isolation. Popular works like Robert Putnam’s Bowling Alone highlighted changes in our social fabric, the loss of third spaces, the rise of digital community, etc. But that awareness didn’t lead to any systemic changes that might have slowed the trend. And now, depending on which study you’re looking at, you’ll likely find 40-60% of respondents claiming they feel a deep, consistent sense of loneliness.
This fracturing of American culture and rising sense of isolation impacts all demographics. But there’s reason to believe it might be having a particularly harmful effect on men. One study shows a fivefold increase of the last 30 years in men who report having no close friends (3% in 1990, 15% in 2021). What makes that especially troubling is that the data on men’s mental health is trending in the wrong direction over that same time. Today, men are 4x more likely to die by suicide than women, with that rate increasing by 40% in the last decade. As we know, correlation does not equal causation. But we would be foolish to ignore the relationship.
Like any subject, the discourse around the “male loneliness epidemic” is mixed. Some question how new the “epidemic” actually is, or whether people are really more isolated than they were in the past. Others, frustrated by our culture’s tendency to center men, feel it’s a “sexist myth” or a “self-pitying problem”. One author states, “If the public is to seriously confront the growing crisis of loneliness, it cannot—must not—frame the crisis as something exclusive to men. To do so is to allow the manosphere to take ownership of the matter and entrench culture further into a contemptuous, misogynistic fugue.”
Despite the messiness of the discourse, the issue continues to demand attention. Men are struggling. Some turn inward, with a resolved sense of isolation they may try to flip into a “lone wolf” narrative. Some turn to online communities, often with disastrous consequences. Some turn to recovery groups or business networks to feel some sense of connection. And this is to say nothing of the dynamics within marriages and families.
Personal Reflection
It certainly makes for interesting conversation to reflect on broad, system changes that could make a difference. But at Union Lodge we’re primarily concerned with personal reflection, which opens the door to insight and self-directed change. So even as you think about society at large, ask yourself:
Do I consider myself lonely?
Is there a time in my life I felt less lonely? What was different then?
What, specifically, makes me feel alone?
Is loneliness the same as isolation? Do I experience them differently?
How do I cope with loneliness? How do I reach out for connection?
What is Loneliness?
To help fertilize this self-reflection, I’ll leave you with a few quotes that add another dimension to the conversation. These thinkers all point to the idea that loneliness goes beyond lack of human interaction. There’s something deeper at play. We can have people around us and still feel fundamentally alone.
“Loneliness does not come from having no people around you, but from being unable to communicate the things that seem important to you.” - Carl Jung
“Loneliness is not just the absence of people. It is the absence of purpose, the absence of meaning.” - Haruki Murakami
“Loneliness isn’t the physical absence of other people, it’s the sense that you’re not sharing anything that matters with anyone else.” - Johann Hari
“It is a joy to be hidden, and a disaster not to be found.” - Donald Winnicott (Think of a game of hide and seek.)
What then are we talking about when we talk about loneliness? How does it show up in your own life? And how do we address it on both a personal and societal level?